Wednesday, January 19, 2011

An open letter to pretty much anyone who owns an Affliction shirt

Dear Douchebags:

As much as it chagrins me to bring this to your attention, I have noticed an unforgivable fashion crime being committed with unprecedented frequency among your ilk. At first, I was pretty quick to just wave it off as a neanderthalistic frat boy trend. The wearing of those ridiculously overpriced shirts pasted to the physiques of a group of chads who practically chant "Roid rage! Roid rage! Roid rage!" from bar to bar as they high-five each other and slip roofies into the drinks of unsuspecting girls.

But alarmingly, this appears to no longer be the stereotypical form the shirt takes. The shirt has become non-discriminating in regards to age, education, and quite possibly STD-status. Okay, maybe not STD-status, as I'm pretty sure you all have one, but I digress.

The Affliction shirt has come to epitomize the precise douchebaggery present across the generations. The veteran bar-hopper intent on picking up floozies, flexing his biceps, shooting whiskey, roaring, and chest bumping. And seriously, what IS it with you Affliction-wearers and Nickelback?? Just because you share a wardrobe in common does not make them a good band. Just sayin'.

I plead with you. Please stop. Stop wearing those god-awful shirts that scream, "I am douchebag, hear me roar!" It's very unsettling. And totally ruins the three times per year I get to leave the house. I mean, you're freaking EVERYWHERE!!! Generally accessorized with backwards hats, chains, biker boots, and for the older crowd, that mid-life crisis Harley.

I know you love Jersey Shore, but that show sucks. As do the idiots who star on Jersey Shore. And I use the term "star" very loosely here. I get it. They wear Affliction. They tan. They work-out and drink excessively and sleep with random strangers. I suppose there's a logic there, but it is generally lost on me.

Whatever your logic, I ask you to rethink it. Because this trend blows and labels you, not just as the guy who dropped $100 on a really terrible shirt, but also as someone to be avoided at all costs by any person with an ounce of self-respect.

I realize my words may seem harsh. I do apologize for the severity of what I've expressed; however, my bet is you're still using the dictionary to look up "chagrins".

Regardless, I hope there are no hard feelings. I simply ask that you reevaluate your need for such expensive and stupid clothing. I would have called it asinine, but that might have offended you.

With much love & concern,


P.S. Those shirts you wear? They are the reason for signs like this:

*Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for the hurt feelings, (roid) rage, consternation, etc. that could possibly be had by the above-addressed fashion offenders. This is simply the opinion of this one person. I mean, if you really like paying that much for a shitty shirt, rock on with your bad self.

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